1. Chuck Norris SEOs. Oh yeah! You got the Google Penguin Update Magic Fix.
Chuck Norris will be in the next Expendable movie! Are you not surprised?! Well, you should not be. That is Chuck! He can be everywhere. Remember, “He can order a Big Mac at Burger King and still get away with it.” =D
Talking about a Big Mac order at a Burger King food chain is basically impossible, only Chuck can do that.
Seriously though, connecting this Chuck Norris jokes to those SEOs out there who got the nerves to guarantee first rank on Google up until now. However, this time around, they manage to spin a bit their sales pitch using the latest Google Penguin update ; they seem to know quick solutions for clients hit by it. If you were hit by Google Penguin, you can be an easy prey.
Truth is, bouncing back from Google Penguin may need more analysis on a lot of factors in order to create actionable strategies isolating what is causing the hit. Link profiling, Anchor Text Diversification, On-page calibration and a whole lot more are no easy tasks to make things work again. Next time, I can curate a lot of posts about bouncing back from a Google Penguin hit and say my piece when necessary.
Ah yes, Why the rant? Because I am bombarded with lots of emails coming from these flukes. If only they were near, they can taste a Chuck Norris spinning back kick. =P
2. Ron Artest SEOs. You will not just get a 7-day suspension.
Ron Artest is a perfect image of a stupid out-of-control player trying to “game” the Game while inflicting low blow damage to competition and to NBA itself. Sorry, Lakers Fans, this is just about Ron Artest. Yes, he is just Ron Artest to me and not Metta World Peace. =P
SEOs behaving like Artest can be related to Negative SEO practitioners out there trying to inflict damages to their competition and the Search Industry’s reputation itself. Dirty tricks may win you some ranks in the process but in the long run, it is a flagrant foul that you may pay later on. I believe in the universal law of Karma.
3. The HULK SEOs. You freaks!
Speaking of extra-ordinary pants, this is one thing that perplexed me since I was a kid. It is real odd and unnatural for this Avenger member that all its clothes rip off except his pants. =P
Similarly, I have seen a lot of SEOs doing this unnatural link building strategies growing clients’ links quantity in a very short period of time. Like the Hulk, they turn “green” with a switch of their nukes, spinners, pingers and all those sorts of automated tools they use. Worst, they are even proud of promoting what they do at online forums, groups and even offline meet-ups! They are basically unstable SEOs! What are they thinking?! Waarggggh! =D
4. SAMUEL L. JACKSON SEOs. WTF!
WTF again! You can’t WTF every single Google Webmaster policy and still remain a celebrity flashing out your middle finger.
Learn to change for the better. These are the SEOs who seem not to understand the real purpose of Search Engine Optimization and how SEO strategies evolve over time. These are nuts and WTF! SEOs in the industry who are plainly out of reasons.
I just saw a post from a certain forum still looking for blog networks to use from their clients’ websites. Are they F&@% serious??!
Okay, here are few things they need to read and re-read.
5. Zombie SEOs. Duh?
With the recent success of Plants vs. Zombies, I personally think that the zombie character can be considered a celebrity. =P
Anyways, these are normally the kind of SEOs or link builders (as they are fond to call themselves) who do not really think about the impact of what they are told to do by their clients, managers and bosses. They just scrape the interwebs looking for spots to place blog comments, trolling the social media, flooding the forums with irrelevant threads and posts, dropping links (pooping!) here and there, creating endless number of forum profiles and a lot more for the rest of their normal life.
Nothing more said. Dead end Job. Zombies.